Things have been really tough in our household. We were excitedly anticipating sharing the exciting news with family and friends that we were expecting #2 during Christmastime. We started trying in October and with great success, again, I got my positive pregnancy test on Halloween. We were both thrilled, could not wait to have another sweet baby in our family. E was even talking about the baby, when he'd see the first sonogram picture he'd exclaim,"BABY!" We ordered an adorable shirt for E to wear to announce to everyone that he was going to be a big brother. It all changed last Wednesday. We were scheduled for our second sonogram. At 7:45am we left our house happy and excited to see the sweet pea bouncing around. At 8am we went into the sonogram room and the tech was very quiet. Having had one child already, we kind of know what to look for. We both knew something was wrong because we couldn't see the little flicker of the heartbeat like we had a few weeks earlier. The tech kept trying to find it, almost frantically. Every time she did, it was a flat line. Nothing. She asked me to hold my breath, that maybe she could find it that way. We tried this, in vane, for 5 attempts. Flat line, after flat line, until I broke down sobbing. Nothing anyone can say can prepare you for such a terrible moment in time. Nothing. I was quickly scheduled for a D & C the next morning, and honestly don't remember much from the conversation I had with our Doctor because I was numb and in shock. The surgery went well, and we came home. I was sidelined by how serious the surgery was and how I was now going through the full grieving process. We were both pretty defeated on Thursday. Lots of crying and questions. On Friday, I decided that for the first time in my life, I wasn't able to pull it together. It scared/s the crap outta me. Brian keeps assuring me that I am allowed and entitled to feel this way after this ordeal. I have no idea how I am going to get it together to travel cross country in one
very short week. I cannot figure out what the heck to do with the sweet pea's first sonogram picture that sits on our kitchen island. I
cannot even think about trying to have another baby right now, even though that seems to be everyone favorite thing to tell me. I understand that something was not right and that is why this baby did not survive, please don't tell me that either, because it doesn't make it easier. Bottom line. THIS IS HORRIBLE. I am also surprised at how taboo the subject of miscarriage is for people to talk about. The only joy I find is in my sweet son and amazing husband. They are the reason I get out of bed. I am also touched by the love our friends have shown us here in Baltimore. We haven't had to cook dinner or lunch and have had lots of goodies dropped off, which has made life easier.Writing about this is very therapeutic. I know that this will get better with time. I hope that we do eventually get to have another healthy, beautiful child. For now, we are going to take some time to heal. We'd appreciate all the love and support you can give us during this hard time. xox
