Oh Insomnia...you stink.

So its been a while since I checked in, so I thought I'd catch up a bit. I had my follow up appointment and it was depressing but good. We got the "you won the crap lotto" analogy. Less than 5% of couples go on to have a recurrent miscarriage. They don't write big cardboard checks for this one. The pro is we have no problem actually getting pregnant. I, just for some reason, out of nowhere, cannot carry a baby to term. So, I get to become a lab rat for a month. A ton of blood work in a few weeks to see if there are any discrepancies in a million different areas. If that comes up normal than they will start testing to see if there is something wrong with my lady parts. Hooray.  I have had so much blood work the last few weeks that I am actually overcoming my horrendous fear of needles, shocker. I don't pass out anymore, I just get sweaty palms from getting anxious. Much better. The kicker, my doctor was quite frank about the possibility that we might not get much from the results. So that is that.

I have my moments of feeling pretty damn sorry for myself. I also feel like people avoid me because they don't know what to say anymore. I have a handful of friends, my parents, and my loving husband who have been super supportive. Thank goodness. I also have a little blond headed sweet love of a boy who lights up my days. Yesterday, E told me, "I'll eat you up I love you so!" I might have cried for about 5 minutes after. So much so, he kept asking me what was wrong. I told him I was so happy to have such a sweet boy. Later that very same day; with my hair a mess, soaked from the rain, and exhausted; he told me that I was a pretty mama. Goodness. I cried again. I might have taken him right upstairs to his room, sat in the rocking chair, and snuggled with him.  What kills me is the asking for a sister. Weekly. I hope that one day we can make that happen. ONE DAY, hopefully not to long from now.

 I am constantly struggling with this path that we have been led down. The not fairs and the how comes have been pretty brutal the last few days. The whys are such sneaky jerks. They have consumed me to the point of insomnia. How fun, right? One day, this week, Brian and I were in the guest room talking, and eventually fell asleep. I actually fell asleep. So Brian quietly got up turned off the lights and we slept in the guest room that night.  He didn't want to wake me because it was the first time in a while I was sleeping at a reasonable time. What the heck? I think my body just crashed it was so tired.

I just cannot turn it off. Thinking about us having the conversation about how many miscarriages we are willing to go through before we call off trying? Or how about the when and at what point do you want to adopt convo. WTH. I feel horribly isolated. I feel like everyone thinks this is easy and I should just get over it and get pregnant again. So, what is a girl to do? I look online for answers. TERRIBLE IDEA. I have read some scary crap. Brian has forbade me from google searches that pertain to infertility and recurrent miscarriage. I know, I am my own worst enemy. I hate feeling this way. It is not who I am. AT. ALL.

I am trying to get used to the new normal of this all. I have so much that is fabulous in my life that I do not want you to think that I am ungrateful. I am not in any way. I just want to add to my perfect little family. I want to give E his little sister/brother. I want him to know the fun of having a sibling :).
I better let you go, its almost 1am, I should try and sleep :) xoxo

Its Always Darkest Before the Dawn....

Pardon my absence. It has been one hell of a week. I have been debating about how to deal- three glasses of wine and some pretty good depressing music lead me right here to write. So, here we go. I had another miscarriage. ANOTHER. Two in six months. Back to back. Right when we were actually getting excited that we were going to have another baby. The first one was shitty enough. The second, well, you do the math. I feel like a failure. I feel like there is no hope. I sit here barren and emotionally empty. I feel like a freak. I wish I knew why and how.  I am happy to have the warmth of my husband's arms and the kind words of friends and family to help heal us. I thank the sun, moon, and stars for the PERFECT son and flawless pregnancy we have had.  The Schusters need a ton of love, please send it our way. Healing from this is going to be tough. Here's to hoping that its always darkest before the dawn. xoxo