Oh Insomnia...you stink.

So its been a while since I checked in, so I thought I'd catch up a bit. I had my follow up appointment and it was depressing but good. We got the "you won the crap lotto" analogy. Less than 5% of couples go on to have a recurrent miscarriage. They don't write big cardboard checks for this one. The pro is we have no problem actually getting pregnant. I, just for some reason, out of nowhere, cannot carry a baby to term. So, I get to become a lab rat for a month. A ton of blood work in a few weeks to see if there are any discrepancies in a million different areas. If that comes up normal than they will start testing to see if there is something wrong with my lady parts. Hooray.  I have had so much blood work the last few weeks that I am actually overcoming my horrendous fear of needles, shocker. I don't pass out anymore, I just get sweaty palms from getting anxious. Much better. The kicker, my doctor was quite frank about the possibility that we might not get much from the results. So that is that.

I have my moments of feeling pretty damn sorry for myself. I also feel like people avoid me because they don't know what to say anymore. I have a handful of friends, my parents, and my loving husband who have been super supportive. Thank goodness. I also have a little blond headed sweet love of a boy who lights up my days. Yesterday, E told me, "I'll eat you up I love you so!" I might have cried for about 5 minutes after. So much so, he kept asking me what was wrong. I told him I was so happy to have such a sweet boy. Later that very same day; with my hair a mess, soaked from the rain, and exhausted; he told me that I was a pretty mama. Goodness. I cried again. I might have taken him right upstairs to his room, sat in the rocking chair, and snuggled with him.  What kills me is the asking for a sister. Weekly. I hope that one day we can make that happen. ONE DAY, hopefully not to long from now.

 I am constantly struggling with this path that we have been led down. The not fairs and the how comes have been pretty brutal the last few days. The whys are such sneaky jerks. They have consumed me to the point of insomnia. How fun, right? One day, this week, Brian and I were in the guest room talking, and eventually fell asleep. I actually fell asleep. So Brian quietly got up turned off the lights and we slept in the guest room that night.  He didn't want to wake me because it was the first time in a while I was sleeping at a reasonable time. What the heck? I think my body just crashed it was so tired.

I just cannot turn it off. Thinking about us having the conversation about how many miscarriages we are willing to go through before we call off trying? Or how about the when and at what point do you want to adopt convo. WTH. I feel horribly isolated. I feel like everyone thinks this is easy and I should just get over it and get pregnant again. So, what is a girl to do? I look online for answers. TERRIBLE IDEA. I have read some scary crap. Brian has forbade me from google searches that pertain to infertility and recurrent miscarriage. I know, I am my own worst enemy. I hate feeling this way. It is not who I am. AT. ALL.

I am trying to get used to the new normal of this all. I have so much that is fabulous in my life that I do not want you to think that I am ungrateful. I am not in any way. I just want to add to my perfect little family. I want to give E his little sister/brother. I want him to know the fun of having a sibling :).
I better let you go, its almost 1am, I should try and sleep :) xoxo

Its Always Darkest Before the Dawn....

Pardon my absence. It has been one hell of a week. I have been debating about how to deal- three glasses of wine and some pretty good depressing music lead me right here to write. So, here we go. I had another miscarriage. ANOTHER. Two in six months. Back to back. Right when we were actually getting excited that we were going to have another baby. The first one was shitty enough. The second, well, you do the math. I feel like a failure. I feel like there is no hope. I sit here barren and emotionally empty. I feel like a freak. I wish I knew why and how.  I am happy to have the warmth of my husband's arms and the kind words of friends and family to help heal us. I thank the sun, moon, and stars for the PERFECT son and flawless pregnancy we have had.  The Schusters need a ton of love, please send it our way. Healing from this is going to be tough. Here's to hoping that its always darkest before the dawn. xoxo

Sunrise at Old Hilltop

Today I woke up at 5:45am, something I haven't done in ages or since E was a teeny babe. Why would I do such a crazy thing?! Well, Sarah invited us to a morning tour Pimlico. Right at the height of Preakness fever! Brian even came with! It was so amazing to see the horses warming up, and getting baths.  Bob Baffert gave us a little speech about his horse Bodemiester and his hopes to win at Preakness. We also got to hear from the owner of the Derby winner, I'll Have Another. I have to say, Bob Baffert was much more of a likable guy. We even got to see the Budweiser Clydesdales, so beautiful. The jockey locker room was interesting and let me say those guys are amazing. Hearing some stories from the guy who runs the locker room was pretty entertaining. E even got his own set of jockey goggles! We made it back to the grandstands just in time to see I'll Have Another warming up. The kiddos were loving every minute of the tractor that was grooming the track, with their little noses pressed to the fence. We decided to go and grab some yummy bagels, since it was only 9am after all. It was a fabulous morning, enjoy the pics! xoxox

B and E at the Stakes Barn

Clydesdales

I'll Have Another

Bob Baffert

Friends!

Cuties!

Some of my favorite littles and bigs!

Jockeys Locker Room

Where the heck are we?! (the locker room)

Handsome (at the bagel place)

Happy Mothers Day!

Happy Mothers Day to all the mamas out there! My Mothers Day was perfect and simple. I was given my two favorite things, sleeping in and breakfast in bed! Flowers and other tokens were merely an added bonus :). I slept in till 9:30 (so so fabulous) and awoke to a darling toddler and his father standing over me saying, "Happy Mothers Day" with a tray of fresh waffles dusted in powdered sugar, extra crispy bacon, and sliced strawberries. E, Brian, and I lounged in bed and chatted while I ate. Ferrous even joined the convention. It was quite a memorable affair. E tucked under my arm talking to me about what they made. Brian and I laughing at his obsession with my OJ, and then he finally asked "can I have my OWN juice." Ferrous simply laying at the foot of the bed just in case I dump the tray of food. I love my boys. It was just one of those moments where you wish you had a family photographer to jump out and capture. So much to say about today! A long walk in the park, watching the fish, chasing the ducks, chasing the squirrels, and playing on the playground. Laying in the hammock, snuggles, giggles, and dinner with friends. Nothing super grandiose. Just little bits of perfect rolled into one special day with the sweetest boys in town! Hope that everyone had a great day! xoxox

Wordless Wednesday

Absolute joy! How much do you love this boy!?! xoxo

Thomas the Tank Engine

So, we did it. We caved and took E to go see Thomas the Tank engine at the B&O museum. Brian took off of work, and we made a morning of it. It was a pretty spectacular fun-filled day! We even got to ride on Thomas (GASP!!) How stinking cool is that?! We played with bubbles, went to the petting zoo, played the train tables, and even met Sir Topham Hat (E and I both were not so sure about him). E was zonked by 11:30, so we coaxed our angelic distraught toddler out of the museum by bidding Thomas one final goodbye. Enjoy the pics! xoxox

One of many animals pet!

Riding choo choo blue

BUBBLES!

WHO IS THAT?!

Isn't he cute?

So excited he can't stand it!

Giving daddy some love

Admiring his Jr. Engineer certificate (note the tickets still clutched in his hand)

YAY for Thomas!

Thomas chuffing away

E soaking up the majesty of the roundhouse

The Big Apple

This weekend, we headed to NYC to meet up with Nana and Niti (Brian's mom and sister) for some fun! We arrived early afternoon on Saturday to gorgeous weather!  After checking into our hotel and getting our bearings, we headed to Central Park for the afternoon. E was so excited to be in the big apple, he kept shouting enthusiastically at all of the hustle and bustle." Look Daddy, HUGE buildings!" "Look Mama, Taxi Cabs!" He loved every minute of walking the city streets. We watched a few innings of some baseball in the park, climbed some rocks, played at the playground, and even spied some wildlife. As the sun was setting on our first day, we headed to grab some dinner and go back to the hotel and wait for Nana and Niti. When they arrived, Nana and E immediately began to have some serious fun with a pillow fight and chasing each other around. Niti then gave E a bath, and came equipped with a wonderful new story book for E. We all went to bed and even slept in the morning! Sunday the weather was awful, but we didn't let it stop us! It was Niti's birthday! We went to mass at St. Patricks Cathedral, then headed over to Rockefeller Center to shop around and eat lunch, and then we made our way back to the hotel for a nap. We all knocked right out. We then woke up and played in the hotel for a while and sang Happy Birthday to Niti and ate some delish cupcakes. We decided on some Italian for dinner and found a place not far from the hotel. We ate fabulous Italian, had the best waiter, and E loved eating olives, saffron risotto, and salmon. We then made a jaunt around Times Square...which E thought was the coolest thing ever. Made it back to the hotel and started to put E to bed. Nana and E enjoyed yet another pillow fight and Niti gave him his bath and read his story. E then proceeded to talk to his favorite lovey, Monkey, for a good hour about all the things he saw that day. It was the cutest! Monday was our last day in NYC, and we took our time getting up, packing up, and spent a lot of time playing and talking. After we checked our baggage, we headed to 5th Avenue to visit FAO Schwartz, of course. We had a blast! We then walked Nana and Niti to the hotel to get our baggage and send them to the airport. It was such a great trip, we were so sad to see them go. We then headed out to grab some lunch at the yummy Shake Shack before heading home to Baltimore. It was an amazing weekend with perfect memories! Enjoy some pics! XOXO

pondering the beauty of Central Park

Happy Boy!

goofing around :)

love him!

We caught a racoon people watching in a tree!

Nana and E reading

Nana and Brian

Niti and E reading

Pictures at Rockefeller Center

FAO Schwartz

Daddy and E having a blast on the Piano

Who is this masked man?

Climbing in Central Park

Throwing coins in fountains

Mass at St. Patricks